Understanding the Complicated Web That Is Intimate Partner Violence (IPV)

Understand the Complicated Web That is IPV: Who Does It Affect and Why?

If a person you loved was hurting you physically, emotionally, or verbally, it would only make sense to turn around and leave… right?
Intimate partner violence, also known as IPV, is abuse that occurs between dating partners or within a romantic relationship. Sometimes IPV can continue long after a relationship is over, with the victim suffering from threats sent through text, damage to their property, or stalking.

Even though IPV is recognized as a public health crisis by the CDC, myths surrounding the nature of IPV can keep victims from coming forward about their experiences.

3 Myths surrounding IPV:

“If it was really that bad, they would have left the relationship already.”

According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, the percentage of females murdered by an intimate partner was 5 times higher than for males. Of the estimated 4,970 female victims of murder and nonnegligent manslaughter in 2021, data reported by law enforcement agencies indicate that 34% were killed by an intimate partner. Approximately 5% of male homicide victims were committed by an intimate partner.1 Intimate partners that commit abuse could be current partners or ex-partners.

For certain ethnicities and minorities, rates of IPV and homicide are higher. More than half of all non-Hispanic multiracial, non-Hispanic American Indian or Alaska Native, and non-Hispanic black women and men in the United States reported experiencing stalking, physical or sexual violence within their lifetime.2

Leaving can be dangerous for victims and their families. Children belonging to the victim are also at risk of physical harm or homicide by the perpetrator of the abuse.

Think of an abusive relationship as an intricate web, crafted by the abuser, that has trapped the victim from leaving. Within this web are the three types of obstacles that can keep a victim from leaving:

Physical safety is threatened: the abuser may threaten to harm the victim, their children, or even harm themselves to keep the victim from leaving.
Financial instability if the victim leaves: the abuser has a tight control on the victim’s access to money, or even prevents the victim from working, to keep them within the relationship.
Lack of social support: An abuser could keep a victim isolated from family, friends, or loved ones that would be a place of support for them in the event that they try to leave. This could include manipulation tactics or methods of trying to keep the victim physically isolated from loved ones. An abuser could even threaten to harm any loved ones that the victim tries to escape to, keeping the victim in a state of fear should they share their story.

These barriers actively keep IPV victims from leaving, or keep them in a cycle of IPV where they return to the abuser. Understanding these barriers help dispel myths that victims are accepting of the abuse they face.

2. “Only women can be victims, and only men can be abusers.”

IPV can happen to anyone, and an abusive relationship doesn’t have to include any specific gender for it to be abusive.

According to the CDC, one in four U.S. men (31 million men), experienced any contact sexual violence, physical violence, and/ or stalking by an intimate partner.

Certain demographics within the LGBTQ+ community may be at higher risk of experiencing IPV. A metanalysis found that transgender individuals are 1.7 times more likely to experience any IPV, 2.2 times more likely to experience physical IPV, and 2.5 times more likely to experience sexual IPV.

Bisexual individuals, both men and women, are more likely to experience IPV than any other demographic within the LGBTQ+ community, and lesbian and gay couples have similar rates of IPV to heterosexual couples.

3. “Victims who go back to their abusers are okay with the abuse, or they are lying about the abuse.”

A multitude of factors can continue the cycle of IPV by keeping victims coming back:

Manipulation tactics employed by the abuser: an abuser can create a false sense of safety for the victim by promising to change, making the victim feel guilty for leaving, threatening the victim with harm for them to come back, or showering the victim with words of love and gifts.
Battered persons syndrome - a condition that is considered a type of PTSD that is experienced by IPV victims. It is commonly known as battered women's syndrome, but can be experienced by any gender or demographic. Part of this syndrome includes the cycles in which an abuser may apologize and promise to change, and how the victim may feel guilty or responsible for the abuse. The features of this condition help us understand why victims may return back to their abusers.
Financial stability that the abuser provides: Victims may struggle to leave an abusive relationship due to limited housing, inability to find a job, or an inability to support any dependents without the abuser.
Traumatic experiences that mimic the relationship the victim has with the abuser: Experiencing neglect, abuse, or insecurity within the household have been found in the histories of victims who experience IPV. Individuals reporting a higher number of traumatic childhood experiences related to abuse were more likely to experience IPV, either as victims or perpetrators.

What Can We Do? - Dos and Don’ts

Don’ts:

Don’t create pressure to leave. A victim of IPV may be afraid of the threats or consequences that they may have to face if they leave, some of which can be fatal to the victim, children or pets within the proximity of the abuser. Leaving requires an immense amount of safety planning and readiness from the victim.
Don’t minimize, doubt or shift blame back onto the victim. Saying things like, “I don’t think (abuser) could ever do something like that!” or “What did you do to make them hit you?” Minimizing the victim’s experience or blaming the victim for the abuse could draw them further into the cycle of the abuse. Keep an open mind and trust the victim’s experiences.

Don’t violate their privacy. Speaking up about IPV can be scary, and victims may be left feeling afraid of what could happen if they speak up. The fear of being judged or the abuser’s reaction to them sharing about the abuse could keep an IPV victim from wanting to tell anyone in the first place. If they told you, respect their privacy in letting them decide who is allowed to know about their situation.

Dos:

Acknowledge the experience of the victim. Saying something as simple as, “You don’t deserve this” can remind an IPV victim that the abuse is not their fault. An immense amount of guilt is placed on the victim during the cycle of abuse, and a reminder from a friend, loved one, or someone they trust can remind them that they don’t deserve the abuse.

Validate their feelings. Phrases like, “What you’re feeling makes complete sense” or “Your feelings are completely valid” can make a victim feel like their feelings are being heard.

Offer to be their safe place. Remind them that you’re here for them if they need a place to talk, and that you will support them no matter what they decide to do next.

Give them resources to help them plan for safety. Resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline have free, online and confidential services to help victims create a safety plan for their own needs.

Victims of IPV rely on a safe place without judgement to discuss their abusive relationships. An abusive relationship, past or present, can cause trauma for victims and families. Sharing resources that can begin the process of leaving, or help victims understand what they’ve been through, can help victims begin the process of healing.

If you or someone you know may be experiencing IPV, know you are not alone. Leaving an abusive relationship can be frightening and challenging. Help is available and leaving safely is possible. Every day, victims reach out to the below resources to end the cycle of abuse. The following resources are available to help:

Text “START” to 88788 or call 1-800-799-7233 to access the Domestic Violence Hotline. Your responses are confidential.
Call or text directly at 1-855-4VICTIM (855-484-2846) to learn about your rights as a victim of IPV. All calls are confidential.
Access the National Domestic Violence Hotline’s list of local providers by entering your zip code at this link.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline also provides an online safety planning link that is confidential and can be tailored based on an individual’s needs. Click here for their safety planning resources.

References:

Smith, E. L. (2022). Female murder victims and victim-offender relationship, 2021 (NCJ 305613). U.S. Department of Justice, Bureau of Justice Statistics. https://bjs.ojp.gov/library/publications/female-murder-victims-and-victim-offender-relationship-2021
Leemis RW, Friar N, Khatiwada S, Chen MS, Kresnow M, Smith SG, Caslin S, & Basile KC. (2022). The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey: 2016/2017 Report on Intimate Partner Violence. Atlanta, GA: National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
Peitzmeier, S. M., Malik, M., Kattari, S. K., Marrow, E., Stephenson, R., Agénor, M., & Reisner, S. L. (2020). Intimate Partner Violence in Transgender Populations: Systematic Review and Meta-analysis of Prevalence and Correlates. American journal of public health, 110(9), e1–e14. https://doi.org/10.2105/AJPH.2020.305774
Breiding, M. J., Chen, J., & Walters, M. L. (2013). The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS); 2010 findings on victimization by sexual orientation.
Jiang, Shan, et al. “Childhood Adversity and Intimate Partner Violence: A 20-Year Longitudinal Study of Cumulative, Typological, and Sex Effects.” Child Abuse & Neglect, vol. 169, 29 Sept. 2025, p. 107695, www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S014521342500451X?ref=pdf_download&fr=RR-2&rr=987af2f09e75a10f, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chiabu.2025.107695